Candlelight Vigil

If you’ve experienced or witnessed any of these signs we advise that you seek guidance immediately. Understanding the impact of these instances is crucial in protecting yourself, your children, or potential loved one.

Emotional Abuse

Ridiculed or insulted your religion, race, heritage, class or women as a group

Withheld approval, appreciation or affection as punishment

Continually criticized you, called you names, shouted at you or demeaned you by telling you you are unable to manage without male help

Insulted or drove away your family and friends

Refused to socialize with you

Threatened to hurt your family, or threatened to kidnap the children

Controlled all the money, kept you from working or prevented you from making decisions

Manipulated you with lies/contradictions or controlled you with jealousy/possessiveness

Intercepted your mail or telephone calls, or took away car keys or money

Punished/deprived the children when he was angry at you, or abused pets to hurt you

Regularly threatened to leave or told you to leave

Blamed you for the violence

Physical Abuse

Pushed, shoved, slapped, bit, kicked, choked, punched or tripped you

Held you down to keep you from leaving or tied you down

Thrown objects at you

Locked you out of the house

Abandoned you in dangerous places

Refused you help when you were sick, injured or pregnant

Subjected you to reckless driving

Threatened or hurt you with a weapon

Twisted or pulled your arm

Banged your head against a wall

Sexual Abuse

Told anti-women jokes, made demeaning remarks about women, or treated women as sex objects

Became jealously angry, assuming you would have sex with any available man

Insisted you dress in a more sexual way than you wanted, or forced you to strip

Criticized you sexually

Insisted on unwanted and uncomfortable touching, or forced particular unwanted sex acts

Called you sexual names like “whore” or “frigid”

Publicly showed sexual interest in, or had affairs with other women

Forced sex with him or others, or forced you to watch others

Forced sex after beatings, or when you were sick, or it was a danger to your health

Forced sex for the purpose of hurting you with objects

Many victims of domestic violence choose not to leave, or cannot leave, an abusive relationship for an extended period of time. View the tips here to create a safer environment before your leave, and also click on Plan NOW to Be Safer After You Leave and Items You Need on the Haven Hills homepage. Domestic Violence is complicated by feelings of love and hope when the perpetrator apologizes and says the violence will never happen again. It is complicated by feelings of fear, intimidation, or threats. Every day battered women (and other victims of intimate partner abuse) make repeated attempts to leave violent relationships, but are prevented from doing so by increased violence and control tactics by the batterer. Consider these steps to be safer in the relationship; these steps cannot guarantee your safety, but they can help.

During the Relationship: 

Always keep a phone where you know you can get to it. Know the numbers to call for help, such as 911, also 818.887.6589— the Haven Hills 24/7 CRISIS Line, and police, friends, and local shelter. Notice now where the nearest pay phones are in case you need to run out of the home without your cell phone.

If you sense a violent episode is about to happen, and it is safe to do so, disable or hide weapons.

The abuser may have a pattern to the abuse. Learn the pattern, be aware of all signs that the abuser is about to become violent so you can assess how dangerous the situation is for you and your children.

Make arrangements in advance to stay with someone you trust (that your partner does not know) in the event of an emergency.

Ask your neighbors now to immediately call 911 if they hear suspicious noises coming from your home

Which are the “safer places” inside your home? Figure our areas where there are no weapons. If it looks like the abuser is about to hurt you, try to get to one of these safer areas.

Open a savings account in your name only at a bank different from where your family’s other accounts are. Choose paperless/online statements so that on records of this account come to your home.

Never leave out any doodles or notes with shelter/bus/airline info

Follow the directions under Items You Need to make an Escape Kit and place it somewhere safe but accessible, NOT inside your home

If You Have Children: 

Teach your children to call 911

Create a plan with your children for when violence happens. Instruct them not to get involved if the abuser is hurting you since that may get them hurt too.

Decide on a Code Word that you will say to let them know that they should leave the house and go get help. Also figure out with them in advance which is the safest place (such as a room with a lock and a phone) for them to go if the abuser will not let them leave the house. Tell them that their first priority is always to stay safe, not to physically protect you.

It is crucial that you have a plan to increase your safety and your children’s safety after you have left the abusive situation. Remaining safe after the relationship is as crucial as planning to leave.

• Tell family, friends, neighbors that you have left the relationship, and tell them NOT to provide the abuser with any info about you or your whereabouts
• Avoid all the stores, banks, restaurants, theaters, etc. that you used to go to when you were with your abusive partner
• Change your locks & secure your new residence
• Attend support groups and always call someone for support if you have thoughts of returning to an abusive relationship
• Consider getting a restraining order against your abuser. Keep a copy of your restraining order with you at all times, and keep another copy safe at your home and a third copy in your car. Give a copy to your local police, your employer and give them a photo of the abuser. If your abuser violates the restraining order, call the police
• Notify your children’s school, babysitter or daycare facility of exactly who has permission to pick up your children. Tell them about your restraining order. Tell them about your situation.
• Contact Haven Hills at 818.887.7489 or call our 24/7 CRISIS LINE 818.887.6589 or contact your local shelter/domestic violence program for info on precautions you can take against being traced or stalked

If you are planning to leave, it is important that you put together as many of the following items in your Escape Kit, and place this kit somewhere safe that is NOT in your home. You will need:

• Money: Your abuser will be able to trace where you are through a credit card and may close/empty bank accounts before you can get to them, or may be waiting at the bank. Include bank books, checkbooks, safety deposit key
• Your Medications and Prescriptions
• All your Keys
• Written record of your Important Telephone Numbers and Addresses, inc. local police department and hospital emergency room
• Extra Clothes for all types of weather
• Copies of your Important Paperwork: birth certificates, passports, green cards/alien registration/work permits, Visas, driver’s licenses/car registration, medical/clinic cards, Social Security cards, insurance papers (car, health, etc.) Also: Social Service docs inc welfare papers (GR, MediCal, SSI, Food Stamps, CalWORKS, GAIN, AFDC, etc). Pack your legal docs: marriage license divorce decrees, police complaints, restraining order, lease/rental agreement or house deed/mortgage payment book plus photos that may have safety/legal uses
• Children’s Items: favorite toys, blankets, extra clothes for kids, infant formula, diapers, birth certificates for your children or adoption papers, passports, green cards/alien registration/work permits/Visas/school IDs, court orders pertaining to custody of your children, immunization, medical, dental records plus their clinic cards

Our Calendar page features national and international news of interest to everyone seeking to stop domestic violence, as well as select meetings and opportunities in the greater Southern California area

• Domestic violence affects people of all races, religions, ethnicities, incomes, and education levels
• 69.4 MILLION: Approximate number of women and men in the U.S. who experience physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime
• Nearly 1in 3 women in the U.S. will experience DV sometime in her life
• Nearly 1 in 4 of U.S. men will experience DV
• Only 53% of domestic violence incidents were reported in 2012
• Domestic violence rates are highest among 18-35 year-olds; 61-86% of these have children present
• 1 in 4 adolescents reports verbal, physical, emotional  or sexual abuse each year
• 3 women are killed by their abusers every single day in the U.S. If you or someone you know is the victim of domestic violence, call Haven Hills Crisis Line 24/7 818.887.6589 or 911